Four poems

I wrote four poems. Two about my dad's death, and two about being sick this last year. I think it's time to share them. I wrote them for a class, and they're a little unpolished, but heartfelt :). Enjoy!

Gone

"I think he's dead."

A knife in my heart.

A chill in my spine.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Denial.

My mom is there.

I fly to meet her.

I go to the hospital.

Your eyes are closed.

You look like you're breathing.

It's just the machine.

Counselor.

Friend.

Father.

When your heart stopped, so did mine.

When your breath left, mine couldn't be caught.

When your Spirit fled, mine yearned to follow.

Mom cried over you.

I held your hand.

We stood around your shell.

After

My father is no longer here,

His Spirit fled this place.

Although, this news, I met with fear,

Peace slowly fills that space.

Some people die in war, I know,

While others die at home.

But my heart states that this is so:

We never die alone.

For with us dies the hopes and dreams

Of all we've yet to do.

Our families, to me it seems,

Will die a little too.

And yet in death there is new life,

From winter's cold, a spring:

You are free from grief and strife

And lessons, yet, you bring.

Our life does not conclude with death.

I do believe that's true.

And though you took your final breath,

Yet I will be with you.

But meanwhile you will be with me.

I'll live the lessons taught.

My life I'll live so all will see

What your life in me wrought.

Your master's touch with me will be

For time and all eternity.

Sickness

When you're sick

You get so sick

Of being sick

The doctors tell you that you're sick

And that you will stay sick

Unless you do things to get un-sick

Soon, your whole life is sick

Every part of you is sick

Your mind, body, and soul are sick

You define yourself as sick

You don't exercise because you're sick

You stay home because you're sick

"I would go there, but I'm sick"

Excuses build because you're sick

Until, of excuses, all your friends are sick

What is sick

About being sick

Is that you make everyone sick

Until your whole world is sick

And of "sick sick sick"

You get really sick

Really, it's sick

Just how sick

I am of being sick

Recovery

You either get better or die;

I chose the former.

I may regret that decision.

Doctors, appointments, therapy, and drugs

Baby steps to get back to

The place where you once could run.

And setbacks, sometimes often,

Where once you advanced

But, slowly, symptoms soften

You gain what once you chanced.

And then, your life, its structure takes again

As, one more time, you join the ranks of men.

Why I Stayed

This is a wholly religious post written primarily to people who are members of the LDS faith who are struggling with the church's policy changes.  It's not as funny or witty as most of my posts, but very heartfelt.  If you want to stop reading here, that's okay!  So you didn't waste your time entirely, here is a picture of a kitten with a cape that is here to support you on your way!

This is why I am staying with the LDS church.

In light of the policy change of the LDS church on the subject of gay marriage and its households, I feel like I really need to express why I'm still doing all that I'm doing.

I know that people are hurting because of this change. I know that it feels like a slap in the face to many in the gay community. I know that it seemed to happen when everything was going so well! The Church was supporting legislation and programs that helped people in the gay community. They were public and supportive. And then this. 

I didn't believe, for a really long time, that it was true. It all seemed super-fishy. I didn't like the feel of it. I said it tasted wrong. A lot of those feelings persist. I don't understand why it was necessary to make this clarification on apostasy now or ever. I don't get a lot of why we need to change the policy for the children of gay couples. I don't get it.

But that's okay.

It's okay to not know. It's okay to question and feel uncomfortable. It's even okay to be a little angry. But don't leave! 

Was it a mistake? I don't know. Should it be changed? I don't know. Is it hurting people? Yes, and I'm sorry that that's true.

But I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's church on the earth. It is the only place with the power and authority of the Priesthood of God, sealing power, prophets and apostles, and all that comes with it. I am an expert witness on these things. I know.

As I struggled with the reality of what the Church that I love, in which I believe, had done, a story came to mind: 

Christ has just finished delivering a masterful sermon that taught many things that were difficult for, and even offensive to, His listeners. There were two responses recorded in John 6:

66 ¶From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God

I feel this is significant. Peter doesn't downplay that what he just heard may have been hard to understand, even offensive to him. But he points out a simple truth: he knew that the Gospel as a whole was true. Peter was willing to let things he didn't like or necessarily understand be there, but not be dissuaded from his testimony that Jesus was and is the Christ and that His Church that He was setting up was where Peter was supposed to be.

Please, just remember what you have felt and seen and know, even when you are having trouble feeling and seeing and knowing right now. This policy change doesn't change those things. Don't give up what you have because of the pain you are experiencing in the moment. 

It will be hard.  There are hard times ahead.  There will be pretentious and self-righteous individuals on both sides of this discussion.  It will take time, we will struggle, but the church is still true!  Do not abandon what you have felt and seen and believe and know because of something you don't.

Do I understand?  No.  Will not understanding change what I do know?  No, it won't.  I still sustain the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators, even while recognizing that they are human and can and do make mistakes sometimes.  That has always been and that will always be.  I cannot obtain the blessings of the Gospel anywhere else.  So I will hold on.  I will trust that things will work out in the end.  I will continue to pray and work for understanding and peace and love and comfort, and I will stay.

Here I make my stand.  Gallifrey Falls No More.

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I have a hard time with one of my pet peeves.  Many I can deal with fairly well, but because it's September 11th, and I just went to a football game, I feel like this one should be shared with all of you (you're welcome ;) ).

Our national anthem.  Just wait, there's substance to this, I promise.  I want you to read, and pay attention to the punctuation, of the first verse of The Star Spangled Banner, the United States of America's national anthem:

Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Do you see those symbols at the end of the lines?  <-- like that one!  They indicate interrogatives!  They're question marks!  Not Exclamation points!  Why do I care?  Well, for one, it bugs me that when we sing this, we sing it with a huge exclamation point at the end...

"O'er the laaaaannd of the freeeeeee-eeeeee-eee!  And the hooooome of theeee *big breath* braaaaaaaavvvvveeeee!!!!!!"

...but also, because of the change of meaning.  Imagine that you are Francis Scott Key, a revolutionary, and that flag meant everything to you.  As the sun set, you saw the flag waving, but were told that it would be bombed out by morning, that the revolution would end tonight.  Everything you believed in would be consumed by monsters launched from cannons in the dark of night.  Then all night, bomb after bomb explodes and shows it still there.  The armament runs out of ammunition a bit before dawn.  If that flag is still there, the revolution is still alive, if it's gone, many of your hopes go with it.  So as the sun dawns, you ask a vital question, is that flag still there?

Do you see the change in meaning there?

Now, that flag was indeed still there, but the question was left in the first verse.  We picked the first verse as our anthem, not the others, which all end with periods or exclamation points.  Why did we do that?  Just because we liked that one better?

May I suggest an alternative?

That final question can be taken two ways.  We have never fought an all-out war against a foreign enemy on our soil since the revolutionary war, so we've never again really worried about the flag still flying, so perhaps the question relates to the other noun: "does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"  In other words, the flag is still there, but we are to ask ourselves, every day, is this still the land of the free and the home of the brave?  We picked the first verse as a self-reflection exercise, an opportunity for self-critique.

Are we the country that our founding fathers would have wanted us to be?  Do we stand for what is stated in our mottos: E Pluribus Unum and In God we Trust?  Can we really say that we are, "out of many, one?"  Do we still trust in God?  Are we a united or a divided people?  Is this still the land of freedom that was envisioned by Thomas Paine when he wrote Common Sense?  Will we still stand for those truths that we once held self-evident?  Have we abused the word "freedom" to the point that it is meaningless?  Do we tout the word "rights" so much that we forgot what they stood for?  What are those "certain unalienable rights" with which we were "endowed by [our] creator?"  The right to marry whomever we want?  The right to refuse to give a marriage license?  The right to say that you disagree?  The right to vote for whomever you want to be president?  The right to hold an opinion different from another's?  The right to life?  The right to liberty?  The right to the pursuit of happiness?

What changed about us on 9/11/2001?  What didn't?  Are we living up to who we are supposed to be?

I don't offer my opinions on the above, I just want you to reflect, on this day of reflection of what makes us Americans: does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

The Touch of the Master's Hand

Most of you know that my father passed away just a few weeks ago.  I have been meaning to write this post for some time...but haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now.

My dad was my best friend.  He always believed in me.  He believed that I could do the impossible.  He would spend hours talking with me.  He gave me innumerable blessings.  He was my role model in every way.  The one thing that I could really hope for in this life is to live my life like my dad.  I truly believe that he is very much alive, though having passed on, but the pain is still there.  As was said in a very popular movie: "'If this is love...why does it hurt so much?' 'Because it was real.'"

There are a few things that described my dad extremely well.  I wanted to share them with you, to help you understand who he was, what I want to be, and how I want to live my life, because it's how my dad lived his.

The first thing that described him was the title he bore with highest honor: "Dad."  He was always there for every event.  Soccer games, trading card tournaments, Saturday lunches, and everything else.  I remember him holding me in his arms while I cried when I broke my finger and was in such pain as a child.  I remember him holding me while I calmed down after a terrible nightmare.  I remember him spending hours playing games with me, though he was extremely busy with work and his church callings and my other family members.  There always seemed to be time enough for each of us.  I never felt like I was competing with anyone else for his time or attention.  He always seemed to give it to everyone he met completely.

The second was a motto adopted by his company: BIONIC.  This stands for: Believe it or not, I care.  My dad always, always cared.  He could never stop caring.  He would hold us, cry with us, talk with us, and do anything he needed to in order to show how much he cared for us.  This extended into his professional life as well.  I can't even tell you the number of people from my dad's work that would always tell us how much they loved him.  He loved them back so very much.

The third was a phrase, "Namaste."  There are many definitions for this word, but he liked one in particular, "I celebrate the Light within you."  My dad never dwelt on the darkness in a person.  He never let someone's failings be what defined that person to him.  He always sought to find the Light in a person, however faded, and nurture it to its brightest.  He always celebrated the Light within each of us.

The fourth was a poem, Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann, reproduced here in its entirety:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

He loved this poem and had it committed to memory.  He loved the simple advice in it as well as the eternal truths of assurance of a Godly plan and Divine Heritage.  This poem spoke so much to how he chose to live his life.

Finally, there is the poem The Touch of the Master's Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch.  He was known around the country for reciting this poem at almost every training.  He recited it almost every stake conference during his 12 years as president.  It too is reproduced here in its entirety:

T’was battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But held it up with a smile.

"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who’ll start the bidding for me?"
"A dollar, a dollar," then, two! Only two?
"Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?
"Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going for three . . . "But no,

From the room, far back, a grey haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;

Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loose strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet
As a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: "What am I bid for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow.

"A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?
Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?
Three thousand, once; three thousand, twice;
And going and gone," said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand
What changed its worth?" Swift came the reply:
"The touch of a master’s hand."

And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,
Much like the old violin.

A "mess of potage," a glass of wine;
A game, and he travels on.
He is "going" once, and "going" twice,
He’s "going" and almost "gone."

But the Master comes and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought
By the touch of the Master’s hand.

My dad felt that this was the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  That everyone was of great worth.  That Christ could touch a life and make it of incredible value.  That was the way he viewed others.  That is the way we viewed him too.  His life was truly touched by the hand of the Master.  He lived his life in the most Christlike way I can conceive.  Many lives were touched by the Master's hand through my dad.  More than once I was the violin, and he the grey haired man, and by his touch, I felt like I became what I could be.  His faith and touch changed me, because it was, I knew, a reflection of the faith and touch of the Great Master.  My dad taught me one thing, that I must hold onto my whole life, by which I must live, above all else:

The worth of a soul and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the Master's hand.

Why I've Been Away

Dear world,

I'm so sorry it's been so long, and my post two posts ago was so ambiguous that nobody really knew what was going on.  I don't always process things well by talking about them except one-on-one.  I am quite a bit of an introvert, but I wanted to share my feelings, but hadn't processed them yet.

I was in a relationship this Summer.   It was one of the most comfortable experiences I've had.  Things very much clicked with this girl.  Our intellectual interests were similar.  We were both super-devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  She was a return missionary, so was I.  We had similar feelings about what that meant.  We loved to cook together, go to the temple together, and she let me read to her.  I became very emotionally attached very fast.

We both cared a lot about whether or not the relationship felt right, though.  For members of the Church, that often includes fasting and praying, asking God whether or not He wants you to do something.  I feel that I have received answers in my heart using this method.  I have felt peace, which I have interpreted as a "move forward" and a lack of peace, a misgiving, something hard to describe, which I have interpreted as a "stop."  We clicked on so many levels, which, for those that know me, is something that I feel is hard for me.  I feel like I am a very odd person, which I enjoy, but which means that I have trouble finding someone who matches my oddness.  I finally felt like I found someone to match me.  Nevertheless, both of us felt like the relationship wasn't right.  So we chose to follow that feeling and stop developing our relationship.

It was what we felt was right.  It wasn't what I wanted to do.  It wasn't what was in my best interest, at the time, but I was trying, and am trying, to do what is right.

It wasn't a long relationship, but it was really, really hard for me to let go.  I honestly am not sure that I have totally let go yet.  I feel like I'm ready to move on.  I feel like I'm in a much better place, emotionally.  I feel like I can continue forward with other relationships, but it may still be hard.  I still have a hard time cooking homemade meals without thinking of that relationship.  Or doing several of the things we did, or baking bread, without thinking about it, and that's hard, but that's life.  But I am ready to try to move on, emotionally.

Dear reader, please be gentle with my feelings.  I don't share this often, but I wanted to be open with my Chain.  "I wear the chain I forged in life."  This is what is going on in my life.  Other things, of course, but this is a big part of it that I wanted to share.

October...

I promise that I really had every intention to post something every week...that didn't work out so well this last month...

So here we are in November.  The leaves have changed colors, Halloween passed, and changes are happening all around.  New things in my life aren't many... :

• I finished and turned in all of my secondary medical school applications and am just waiting now...again.

• I started swimming most mornings for exercise since I partially tore my posterior tibialis tendon and can't really run right now.

• I am presenting a part of the Endowment in the temple that I haven't before.

• I am doing a LOT of work with my elders quorum.

• And I sang in a temple choir devotional.

Okay, singing here was pretty cool...

That pretty much covers my life the last several weeks.  It's been super busy, and I'm frankly exhausted.  But all is well.  Interspersed in these things have been a number of wonderful experiences that I've loved.  I've given several blessings that have been amazing experiences.  I've been able to reread several of The Chronicles of Narnia.  I listened to The Eye of the World on audiobook.  I have also had some wonderful experiences with friends and family.

All in all, I've just been super busy.  Nothing really new and exciting, to me, but great :)

Do what is right

Sometimes the future is cloudy.  I have great faith that things will work out in the end, but sometimes that doesn't make decisions easier.  My whole life has been an unending chain of choices where I knew what was right to do, but I was absolutely terrified.  I'm exhausted by it, but I muddle on.  One of my favorite movies, though it received little critical acclaim, said it wonderfully:  

"Well this is what it looks like when you've actually fought in battle. It's not glorious, it's not beautiful - it's not even heroic! It's merely doing what's right! And doing it again, and again, until someday you look like this." --Guardians of Ga'hoole

Doing what is right doesn't necessarily leave you without scars.  Doing what's right doesn't necessarily leave your heart intact.  Doing what's right doesn't necessarily bring you fame, fortune, or immediate happiness, but it brings you peace.  This life is a battle.  Decisions must be made.  We are the soldiers in that battle.  We must make those decisions.  There are right and good decisions to be made.  Not every decision is clear cut with a right answer, but many are. 

"Do what is right, let the consequence follow. 
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
and with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow. 
God will protect you; then do what is right!" -- Hymns 237

This is a hymn of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I believe in these words.  I am not perfect, but I really, really am trying to do what is right.  I will tell you without hesitation that my life has not been easy in many respects.  It has not always been fair, calm, happy, or enjoyable; but by striving to do what is right I have had peace of mind and heart, even when that mind has been torn by stress and that heart has been broken by grief.  Peace has overcome me in the fire of affliction and the heartaches of my life.

"Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.

Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.

Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.

Blessings await you in doing what's right!" -- Hymns 237

 

On my path of life, and as recently as last night, my eyes have been wet with decisions that hurt me to my very core and that I knew were right.  I know from very personal experience that blessings await us in doing what is right.  Sometimes those blessings come immediately.  Sometimes they don't come for a long time.  There will be some blessings that may not come until heaven.  No matter.  God has a promise:

 

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" -- Revelation 21:4

 

I trust in that promise.  I have not been perfect, but I am really, really trying to do what is right!  It hurts, but it is a refining pain.  It tears you apart to make you into something good.  Do what is right!