I'm so sorry it's been so long, and my post two posts ago was so ambiguous that nobody really knew what was going on. I don't always process things well by talking about them except one-on-one. I am quite a bit of an introvert, but I wanted to share my feelings, but hadn't processed them yet.
I was in a relationship this Summer. It was one of the most comfortable experiences I've had. Things very much clicked with this girl. Our intellectual interests were similar. We were both super-devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She was a return missionary, so was I. We had similar feelings about what that meant. We loved to cook together, go to the temple together, and she let me read to her. I became very emotionally attached very fast.
We both cared a lot about whether or not the relationship felt right, though. For members of the Church, that often includes fasting and praying, asking God whether or not He wants you to do something. I feel that I have received answers in my heart using this method. I have felt peace, which I have interpreted as a "move forward" and a lack of peace, a misgiving, something hard to describe, which I have interpreted as a "stop." We clicked on so many levels, which, for those that know me, is something that I feel is hard for me. I feel like I am a very odd person, which I enjoy, but which means that I have trouble finding someone who matches my oddness. I finally felt like I found someone to match me. Nevertheless, both of us felt like the relationship wasn't right. So we chose to follow that feeling and stop developing our relationship.
It was what we felt was right. It wasn't what I wanted to do. It wasn't what was in my best interest, at the time, but I was trying, and am trying, to do what is right.
It wasn't a long relationship, but it was really, really hard for me to let go. I honestly am not sure that I have totally let go yet. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm in a much better place, emotionally. I feel like I can continue forward with other relationships, but it may still be hard. I still have a hard time cooking homemade meals without thinking of that relationship. Or doing several of the things we did, or baking bread, without thinking about it, and that's hard, but that's life. But I am ready to try to move on, emotionally.
Dear reader, please be gentle with my feelings. I don't share this often, but I wanted to be open with my Chain. "I wear the chain I forged in life." This is what is going on in my life. Other things, of course, but this is a big part of it that I wanted to share.
I promise that I really had every intention to post something every week...that didn't work out so well this last month...
So here we are in November. The leaves have changed colors, Halloween passed, and changes are happening all around. New things in my life aren't many... :
I finished and turned in all of my secondary medical school applications and am just waiting now...again.
I started swimming most mornings for exercise since I partially tore my posterior tibialis tendon and can't really run right now.
I am presenting a part of the Endowment in the temple that I haven't before.
I am doing a LOT of work with my elders quorum.
And I sang in a temple choir devotional.
Okay, singing here was pretty cool...
That pretty much covers my life the last several weeks. It's been super busy, and I'm frankly exhausted. But all is well. Interspersed in these things have been a number of wonderful experiences that I've loved. I've given several blessings that have been amazing experiences. I've been able to reread several of The Chronicles of Narnia. I listened to The Eye of the World on audiobook. I have also had some wonderful experiences with friends and family.
All in all, I've just been super busy. Nothing really new and exciting, to me, but great :)
Sometimes the future is cloudy. I have great faith that things will work out in the end, but sometimes that doesn't make decisions easier. My whole life has been an unending chain of choices where I knew what was right to do, but I was absolutely terrified. I'm exhausted by it, but I muddle on. One of my favorite movies, though it received little critical acclaim, said it wonderfully:
"Well this is what it looks like when you've actually fought in
battle. It's not glorious, it's not beautiful - it's not even heroic!
It's merely doing what's right! And doing it again, and again, until
someday you look like this." --Guardians of Ga'hoole
Doing what is right doesn't necessarily leave you without scars. Doing what's right doesn't necessarily leave your heart intact. Doing what's right doesn't necessarily bring you fame, fortune, or immediate happiness, but it brings you peace. This life is a battle. Decisions must be made. We are the soldiers in that battle. We must make those decisions. There are right and good decisions to be made. Not every decision is clear cut with a right answer, but many are.
"Do what is right, let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
and with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!" -- Hymns 237
This is a hymn of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in these words. I am not perfect, but I really, really am trying to do what is right. I will tell you without hesitation that my life has not been easy in many respects. It has not always been fair, calm, happy, or enjoyable; but by striving to do what is right I have had peace of mind and heart, even when that mind has been torn by stress and that heart has been broken by grief. Peace has overcome me in the fire of affliction and the heartaches of my life.
"Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
Blessings await you in doing what's right!" -- Hymns 237
On my path of life, and as recently as last night, my eyes have been wet with decisions that hurt me to my very core and that I knew were right. I know from very personal experience that blessings await us in doing what is right. Sometimes those blessings come immediately. Sometimes they don't come for a long time. There will be some blessings that may not come until heaven. No matter. God has a promise:
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" -- Revelation 21:4
I trust in that promise. I have not been perfect, but I am really, really trying to do what is right! It hurts, but it is a refining pain. It tears you apart to make you into something good. Do what is right!
Before I launch into this post, I want it absolutely clear that these are my personal beliefs. I represent nobody but myself. I wish that wasn't true, but it is.
Very recently, Emma Watson (you know, Hermione from Harry Potter) delivered a fabulous speech to UNWomen. That speech in its entirety is in the video above. This speech resonated with me in so many ways that it's difficult for me to describe.
I am what Ms. Watson called an "inadvertent feminist." Let me tell you why.
I grew up in a wonderful home with four older sisters and a wonderful mom and dad. My dad, for work, was often away from home. As a result, my standard was always women. My mom and four sisters are incredible. I admire them more than I think I've ever told them. My mom is currently getting her second masters degree. My oldest sister is a physician. My second oldest sister has a Ph.D. My third oldest is a J.D. My final has a masters degree. My dad long ago set the stage for all of us with his advanced degrees as well. I believe, with my whole heart, that there is nothing that these five women can't do. They raised me. They have each excelled both at home and in their chosen fields. They are in so many ways my heroes.
As a result, I have always felt more comfortable around women. The amount of my close female friends has always been quite a bit higher than the amount of my close male friends. That's always been the case. I believe that they can do anything. They have been presidents of clubs, senior classes, and done incredible things politically, academically, in research, at home, and in my life. I am immensely grateful for the women in my life.
My dad and the few men that have been my close friends have been equally as valuable to me. I don't downplay them at all. My dad has been my best friend and confidant in so many instances. My one or two guy friends have really meant the world to me by accepting all my weirdness for who I am. Their story will be told another time. I will return to the women for now.
I have taken many traits from the women in my life. I like to listen. I like to knit. I bake (only recently). I love to cook. I like dancing. I like sewing. I like hearing all about bad relationships and helping people through hard times. I like crafting, and origami and scrapbooking. I was labelled as the "mom" as an RA last year (you can read more about that in the post labelled "My Kids." There are parts of these aspects of my identity that I have kept hidden from most people. Why? Because they are the parts of me that are both the closest to my heart, and the least like the commonly accepted gender stereotype of a man.
Why do I like the He for She movement? Because it focuses on the fact that both genders suffer from gender stereotypes and both need to end. Because there is a girl that is carrying her bed around campus because she and two other girls testified against a young man on a college campus who purportedly committed acts of sexual violence against all three of them and the school board still found him not guilty. Because one in six girls will be sexually assaulted. Because I know several girls who have been. Because I know that one in 33 guys will be as well. Because the help to the guys is even less than it is for the girls because they don't know where to turn or how to say that they were raped. Because campus and city resources are underutilized. Because very few people know I knit. Because I claim the parts of my identity that are traditionally female roles as much as the ones that are traditionally male ones. Because I believe in equality in the workplace. Because there is not, nor should there ever be, a behavior, hairstyle, outfit, or crime in the United States that is punishable by rape. Nobody "deserves" or "asks for" rape. We don't punish people with that here. Because I like hiking, running, exercising, Tae-Kwan-Do, Aikido, and shooting as much as I like cooking, crafting, and nurturing. Because my sisters all like combinations of those things as well. Because the greatest thing that I hope to accomplish in life is to be a good husband and father. Because the greatest thing I hope to find is a good wife and mother.
I haven't explored everything in this movement, and I don't endorse it without some reservations, but change needs to happen. Where we are is not okay. If this is the best we have right now, then great. I hope to see more talk about this.
If you are struggling with your identity, seek help. If you have been assaulted or raped, please reach out. Go to a counselor. You are valuable. You are worth it. I believe that.
If I can help, please let me know. I am writing this to start conversations. I am writing this to say that I know resources and I'll walk you there if I have to. There is healing and hope. Go to professional counseling. See your ecclesiastical leaders. If anyone tells you you are worthless or to blame, they are wrong.
Man, woman, boy, girl, adult, or child. If something has happened and you need help, please, get help. Today, I am one "him" for "her". I support, in my own way, He for She.
This post will be a bit more of a religious nature, so if that's not appealing to you, just wait for a future post :).
Today's title is taken from a song by Christina Perri (I know, I should really branch out more...but this is really good!). Below is a video and lyrics:
I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say
Hold on, hold on
I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling
I believe that you fell so you would land next to me
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
Hold on, hold on
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
Although I'm sure Christina Perri didn't intend for it to be that way, I feel like this is a wonderful description of my relationship with God.
I believe that God will guide me one step at a time. I believe that He does this so that I don't lose my way trying to get to a far off vision through complex terrain.
I believe that we are more than the opinions of others. I believe that the only opinion that truly matters is His.
I know that we are more than the sum of our mistakes. I believe in repentance and that it is real. We are more than our past.
I believe in a lot of far off hopes and dreams that sometimes I am afraid to say. Like Abraham, who, "when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went", I trust that I will be led to the things of which I am almost afraid to speak.
I believe I need to hold on.
From a great talk by Elder Holland
I believe in "lost" possibilities that are hard to see sometimes. I believe that all things can be turned for our good in time.
I believe that there is great darkness in the world, but also great light, hope, peace, and joy to be found. The darkness can guide us to that light by recognizing the darkness and turning away from it.
I know that my heart is still growing and changing. There is much to grow and do still. I believe that I can become better through the atonement with every beat.
I believe that we fell from the presence of God for a purpose and that we can, in time, get back to Him. He did not cast us out without providing a way back. We fell so we could land, in time, next to Christ in Glory and Power.
I believe He has been where we are before. I believe He has felt every pain, possibly the worst being losing who you truly are. I believe that He felt every pain and suffered death for us, and that He rose again from the dead and is still alive.
I believe that through Him, tomorrow can be, through repentance, stronger than yesterday.
I believe that the only great thing in our way is our head and pride. I believe that we can come to God "with full purpose of heart, and [He] will heall [us]."
I believe that, through the Atonement of Christ, our scars can turn into beauty. I believe we can be healed.
I believe that healing takes time and that, sometimes, it's okay to be not okay. I believe that God works with you, especially in those moments when we are most hurt.
I believe that each time we turn to God is not the end of us, but the beginning. It is the beginning of being who we were meant to be. It is the beginning of hope and light and peace. Hold on. He is still alive.
Why thank you, Scholar Bunny, I thought so too.
I have a great deal of faith. There is a lot that I don't understand, and a lot that I don't know, but I believe. And that is enough. I want to be believing. I want to be child-like and simple in my faith.
So let me round out a few things more that I believe.
I believe in a God. I believe that He is a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I believe in "Christ Jesus." I believe that He is literally the Son of the Eternal God. I believe that He suffered the pains of life, death, and hell to bring us to God. I believe that He lives and has us ever present.
I believe in modern day apostles and prophets, beginning, but not ending with, Joseph Smith, Jr.
I believe in and have seen miracles, both great and small, in my life and the lives of those around me.
I believe with my whole heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one True and Living Church of God on the earth today.
I wanted to say, in the most straightforward language that I could muster, I believe. Even when I have felt like I have been at the bottom of the pit, walking through the very valley of the shadow of death in my life, I have believed. I always will.
This is who I am.
If you want to know more, please visit Mormon.org. You can start with my profile there by clicking on the "about my faith" link on the right side of this page. :)
So I'm trying really hard to come up with a good personal essay for medical school. I have decided to share with you, the world, all of my work. None of these, unfortunately, made the cut. Some I wrote seriously, others I wrote to try to relieve my stress. I will start with several starts to this year's essay that I won't use, at least not verbatim, and then I will put, at the end, the personal essay from last year that I am no longer using.
So it begins
Millions lay on the ground...dead. If only a physician had found the cure to the zombie apocalypse before it was...too late. I will be that physician. Let me in. It is your only hope. All of your medical knowledge will amount to naught without my degree. You caused this. You started it, but I will finish it. I am...Zarathustra...
My mustache will cure cancer.
One of my youngest memories was my grandma dying of kidney failure. She received the best treatment possible, but she was over eighty years old and a poor candidate for a donor. Her health deteriorated until treatment became too tiring and painful. She decided to stop treatment and enter hospice care. She died just a few weeks later. I remember getting the call while I was playing at a friend's house. That was the first major tragedy I remember in my life...
Why do I want to go to medical school? I have had this dream. I want to gain a medical degree. I want to be able to become really good at what I do. I want to really be able to help people. And then I really just want to walk into any room anywhere and be able to say, "Hello, I'm the doctor."
Just "the doctor"...
*To be read in that deep radio announcer's voice* In a world of fear, a world of disease, a world where millions upon billions of organisms main goal is to kill every human life, a world without hope, without healing, there is one man. The Physician. He stands between the living and the dead. He alone can prevent the oncoming storm...
This is the oncoming storm!
And finally, below is last year's full essay:
I believe in hope, and it is the primary reason that I want to practice
medicine. Hope defies what is impossible. Things happen or they do not,
but hope believes firmly in something that is not yet. I want to bring
hope to those who are without it. I do not know yet whether that hope
will be in a cancer patient, hoping for remission; a parent, hoping for
an effective vaccine; a mother, hoping for a healthy child; someone who
has fallen, hoping to walk again; or simply someone sick, hoping to feel
well. I do know, however, that in practicing medicine I can bring hope.
I have known that it is the field that I have wanted to enter into for
many years. I know that my capabilities are only human, but there is
great hope in that statement, as well. It was only a human that
discovered the vaccine to small pox, saving millions upon millions of
lives. It was only a human that developed the arterial bypass surgery
that continues to save lives to this day. I have hope in what only
humans can do. To give hope, to preserve hope, and to seek hope is at
the heart of medicine. All who go to a physician do so in hope. More
hope is found in a doctor's office or a hospital than anywhere on earth.
Physicians are the guardians of hope. One must not give false hope, but
one must always consider hope in the impossible.
I spent two
years in Mexico City, spending a great deal of my time providing support
to members of my peer group who needed medical care. I tried to support
them as best I could as they got knee surgeries, back surgeries, and
underwent many tests that determined what was causing them pain. I saw
them able to return to what they loved to do because of the hope and
care provided to them. I remember specifically spending time with one of
my friends who had severe leg pain as he received different tests to
determine the cause of his problems. I watched as he received treatments
to try to manage and correct his symptoms. I saw the hope that grew in
him as his pain faded away in response to the treatments. Although I
felt like medicine was the field for me before this, my love of it began
to solidify at that time. When I returned, I used the medical Spanish
that I had learned to help others receive proper care by interpreting at
the University of Utah Hospital and the Maliheh Free Clinic. I became a
part of the team that provided hope in a small way as I served there. I
recognized the hope that both the physicians here in the United States
and I provided as being the same as the hope that I saw in Mexico.
Furthermore, the many hours talking with patients about the care they
were receiving and with the physicians about the care they were
providing made me certain that medicine was the field for me.
I
believe that the impossible has produced some of the most beautiful,
wonderful things. The earth is impossible. It is a planet hung perfectly
with others, pulled and pushed in just the right orbit that prevents us
from frying or freezing. Life thrives on this impossible planet. Life
is impossible. A collection of amino acids, minerals, and chemicals,
produce thought, love, and life. It is precisely that which is
impossible that is worth protecting. In 1600 if someone were to propose
that almost all illness was caused by microscopic life forms and
sub-microscopic bits of code, we would have thought them crazy. Such an
idea was impossible. That we would one day be able to fight these tiny
invaders would be completely mad. That which is impossible, however, is
now a reality. Fifty years ago if someone were to say that mechanical
robots would be used in surgery, that machines would aid
anesthesiologists, that controlled chemical structures could deliver
drugs to specific cells, we all would have thought it impossible. But
the impossible has happened and is now becoming commonplace. We must
always nurture a hope in the impossible. I want to be a part of that
nurturing. I am committed to providing the hope that only a physician
can. I know it will be a very hard path, but it is the impossible that
is always worth the fight.
I decided that I wanted you to read some of my old creative writing that I rather liked. Today you get a very old piece of prose that I posted on Facebook forever and a day ago, it seems. I still rather like it, though I would probably change some wording now...But I thought I would reproduce it here, just as I posted it. Enjoy! Be kind :)
I don't write many notes...but I have something to say...
Live.
Life
is a gift. It is hard, painful, sorrowful, long, arduous, distressing,
tiring, and so many other bad things. But life is also wonderful.
Every day, no matter how much pain or sorrow there is, no matter how
tired you may be, is another day to sing, to dance, to love.
Each of you has a part of the Divine in you...part of a Divine
Potential. You are full of possibilities. Every day is a reflection of
how much you have applied your true self to it.
All
those crappy days. Why were they crappy? When was the last time you
just had fun in math class? Science? Art? Have the grades become more
important than what you love? Do you hate subjects because you don't
get them the first time 'round? Or do you find things that you don't
understand to be an opportunity? A chance to grow? When was the last
time you decided to explore something just because it's interesting?
Because you were curious?
When you look at the night sky, do you comment on how bright it is? On how smoggy it is?
When
was the last time you just looked at the stars? When was the last time
you swam through that starry space in the deepest realms of your own
imagination?
Met with Orion for a game of cards and battled with Scorpio in the depths of space?
When
was the last time you listened to the wind? To the ocean? When did
you last look upon a valley filled with trees or snow and just marveled
at how amazing the world is?
When was the last time that you realized that, for all its power, majesty, and beauty, YOU
are more important than all of the physical universe? That your
potential is greater than a billion billion galaxies? That your power
is greater than a billion billion stars? That a loving God knows who
you, personally, are? That you are NOT lost in this infinite universe?
Revel in the beauty all around you. Enjoy the beauty within you.
When
was the last time you gave somebody a hug just because you appreciated
how much they care for you? When was the last time you told somebody
that you care about them?
Is your imagination stifled by what you
think to be harsh reality? Or do you see life as it could be...as it
should be? Do you see problems in people, or possibilities? Do you see
the dark in them, or can you not because you see how much Light they
have?
The world's screwed up. I know. The question is, do we stand apart? Do we screw ourselves up to match the world? Or do we dream? Imagine? Believe? Do we become what we would like the world to be? Or what the world would like us to be?
What have you done today that shows your Divine Potential?
Have you loved? Have you lifted? Found Light in others? In yourself?
Do
what you love. Love what you do. Life is too short to spend any of it
doing something you don't enjoy. If you don't enjoy what you're doing,
honestly ask yourself if you need to change, if your situation needs to
change, or both.
Sing, dance, love. Become the person you would like to be. Become the person God would have you be.
I
want all of you to live. I love each and every one of you. You've all
been important to me in some way. I have seen so much Light in each
one of you. You are all amazing, wonderful, beautiful people.
Qué Dios te bendiga. Qué Dios te perdone. Qué Dios te ayude En todo lo que hagas.
I give each and every one of you all my love. What strange arithmetic, that in giving away what I have, I gain more :).
With all my love and prayers,
Curtis
Well, there you go. I hope you enjoyed old Curtis's prose :)
