I wrote four poems. Two about my dad's death, and two about being sick this last year. I think it's time to share them. I wrote them for a class, and they're a little unpolished, but heartfelt :). Enjoy!
This is a wholly religious post written primarily to people who are members of the LDS faith who are struggling with the church's policy changes. It's not as funny or witty as most of my posts, but very heartfelt. If you want to stop reading here, that's okay! So you didn't waste your time entirely, here is a picture of a kitten with a cape that is here to support you on your way!
This is why I am staying with the LDS church.
In light of the policy change of the LDS church on the subject of gay marriage and its households, I feel like I really need to express why I'm still doing all that I'm doing.
I know that people are hurting because of this change. I know that it feels like a slap in the face to many in the gay community. I know that it seemed to happen when everything was going so well! The Church was supporting legislation and programs that helped people in the gay community. They were public and supportive. And then this.
I didn't believe, for a really long time, that it was true. It all seemed super-fishy. I didn't like the feel of it. I said it tasted wrong. A lot of those feelings persist. I don't understand why it was necessary to make this clarification on apostasy now or ever. I don't get a lot of why we need to change the policy for the children of gay couples. I don't get it.
But that's okay.
It's okay to not know. It's okay to question and feel uncomfortable. It's even okay to be a little angry. But don't leave!
Was it a mistake? I don't know. Should it be changed? I don't know. Is it hurting people? Yes, and I'm sorry that that's true.
But I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's church on the earth. It is the only place with the power and authority of the Priesthood of God, sealing power, prophets and apostles, and all that comes with it. I am an expert witness on these things. I know.
As I struggled with the reality of what the Church that I love, in which I believe, had done, a story came to mind:
Christ has just finished delivering a masterful sermon that taught many things that were difficult for, and even offensive to, His listeners. There were two responses recorded in John 6:
66 ¶From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.
67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?
68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God
I feel this is significant. Peter doesn't downplay that what he just heard may have been hard to understand, even offensive to him. But he points out a simple truth: he knew that the Gospel as a whole was true. Peter was willing to let things he didn't like or necessarily understand be there, but not be dissuaded from his testimony that Jesus was and is the Christ and that His Church that He was setting up was where Peter was supposed to be.
Please, just remember what you have felt and seen and know, even when you are having trouble feeling and seeing and knowing right now. This policy change doesn't change those things. Don't give up what you have because of the pain you are experiencing in the moment.
It will be hard. There are hard times ahead. There will be pretentious and self-righteous individuals on both sides of this discussion. It will take time, we will struggle, but the church is still true! Do not abandon what you have felt and seen and believe and know because of something you don't.
Do I understand? No. Will not understanding change what I do know? No, it won't. I still sustain the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators, even while recognizing that they are human and can and do make mistakes sometimes. That has always been and that will always be. I cannot obtain the blessings of the Gospel anywhere else. So I will hold on. I will trust that things will work out in the end. I will continue to pray and work for understanding and peace and love and comfort, and I will stay.
I have a hard time with one of my pet peeves. Many I can deal with fairly well, but because it's September 11th, and I just went to a football game, I feel like this one should be shared with all of you (you're welcome ;) ).
Our national anthem. Just wait, there's substance to this, I promise. I want you to read, and pay attention to the punctuation, of the first verse of The Star Spangled Banner, the United States of America's national anthem:
Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Do you see those symbols at the end of the lines? <-- like that one! They indicate interrogatives! They're question marks! Not Exclamation points! Why do I care? Well, for one, it bugs me that when we sing this, we sing it with a huge exclamation point at the end...
"O'er the laaaaannd of the freeeeeee-eeeeee-eee! And the hooooome of theeee *big breath* braaaaaaaavvvvveeeee!!!!!!"
...but also, because of the change of meaning. Imagine that you are Francis Scott Key, a revolutionary, and that flag meant everything to you. As the sun set, you saw the flag waving, but were told that it would be bombed out by morning, that the revolution would end tonight. Everything you believed in would be consumed by monsters launched from cannons in the dark of night. Then all night, bomb after bomb explodes and shows it still there. The armament runs out of ammunition a bit before dawn. If that flag is still there, the revolution is still alive, if it's gone, many of your hopes go with it. So as the sun dawns, you ask a vital question, is that flag still there?
Do you see the change in meaning there?
Now, that flag was indeed still there, but the question was left in the first verse. We picked the first verse as our anthem, not the others, which all end with periods or exclamation points. Why did we do that? Just because we liked that one better?
May I suggest an alternative?
That final question can be taken two ways. We have never fought an all-out war against a foreign enemy on our soil since the revolutionary war, so we've never again really worried about the flag still flying, so perhaps the question relates to the other noun: "does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?" In other words, the flag is still there, but we are to ask ourselves, every day, is this still the land of the free and the home of the brave? We picked the first verse as a self-reflection exercise, an opportunity for self-critique.
Are we the country that our founding fathers would have wanted us to be? Do we stand for what is stated in our mottos: E Pluribus Unum and In God we Trust? Can we really say that we are, "out of many, one?" Do we still trust in God? Are we a united or a divided people? Is this still the land of freedom that was envisioned by Thomas Paine when he wrote Common Sense? Will we still stand for those truths that we once held self-evident? Have we abused the word "freedom" to the point that it is meaningless? Do we tout the word "rights" so much that we forgot what they stood for? What are those "certain unalienable rights" with which we were "endowed by [our] creator?" The right to marry whomever we want? The right to refuse to give a marriage license? The right to say that you disagree? The right to vote for whomever you want to be president? The right to hold an opinion different from another's? The right to life? The right to liberty? The right to the pursuit of happiness?
What changed about us on 9/11/2001? What didn't? Are we living up to who we are supposed to be?
I don't offer my opinions on the above, I just want you to reflect, on this day of reflection of what makes us Americans: does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Most of you know that my father passed away just a few weeks ago. I
have been meaning to write this post for some time...but haven't been
able to bring myself to do it until now.
My dad was my
best friend. He always believed in me. He believed that I could do the
impossible. He would spend hours talking with me. He gave me
innumerable blessings. He was my role model in every way. The one
thing that I could really hope for in this life is to live my life like
my dad. I truly believe that he is very much alive, though having
passed on, but the pain is still there. As was said in a very popular
movie: "'If this is love...why does it hurt so much?' 'Because it was
real.'"
There are a few things that described my dad
extremely well. I wanted to share them with you, to help you understand
who he was, what I want to be, and how I want to live my life, because it's how my
dad lived his.
The first thing that described him was
the title he bore with highest honor: "Dad." He was always there for
every event. Soccer games, trading card tournaments, Saturday lunches, and everything else. I remember him holding me in his arms while I cried when I
broke my finger and was in such pain as a child. I remember him
holding me while I calmed down after a terrible nightmare. I remember
him spending hours playing games with me, though he was extremely busy
with work and his church callings and my other family members. There
always seemed to be time enough for each of us. I never felt like I was
competing with anyone else for his time or attention. He always seemed
to give it to everyone he met completely.
The second
was a motto adopted by his company: BIONIC. This stands for: Believe it
or not, I care. My dad always, always cared. He could never stop
caring. He would hold us, cry with us, talk with us, and do anything he
needed to in order to show how much he cared for us. This extended
into his professional life as well. I can't even tell you the number of
people from my dad's work that would always tell us how much they loved
him. He loved them back so very much.
The third was a
phrase, "Namaste." There are many definitions for this word, but he
liked one in particular, "I celebrate the Light within you." My dad
never dwelt on the darkness in a person. He never let someone's
failings be what defined that person to him. He always sought to find
the Light in a person, however faded, and nurture it to its brightest.
He always celebrated the Light within each of us.
The fourth was a poem, Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann, reproduced here in its entirety:
Go
placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there
may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good
terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for
always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in
your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of
trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many
persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical
about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as
perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do
not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of
fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a
child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a
right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is
unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you
conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of
life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken
dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
He
loved this poem and had it committed to memory. He loved the simple
advice in it as well as the eternal truths of assurance of a Godly plan
and Divine Heritage. This poem spoke so much to how he chose to live
his life.
Finally, there is the poem The Touch of the Master's Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch. He was known around the country for reciting this poem at almost every training. He recited it almost every stake conference during his 12 years as president. It too is reproduced here in its entirety:
T’was battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But held it up with a smile.
"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who’ll start the bidding for me?"
"A dollar, a dollar," then, two! Only two?
"Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?
"Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going for three . . . "But no,
From the room, far back, a grey haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loose strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet
As a caroling angel sings.
The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: "What am I bid for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow.
"A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?
Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?
Three thousand, once; three thousand, twice;
And going and gone," said he.
The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand
What changed its worth?" Swift came the reply:
"The touch of a master’s hand."
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,
Much like the old violin.
A "mess of potage," a glass of wine;
A game, and he travels on.
He is "going" once, and "going" twice,
He’s "going" and almost "gone."
But the Master comes and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought
By the touch of the Master’s hand.
My
dad felt that this was the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ. That
everyone was of great worth. That Christ could touch a life and make
it of incredible value. That was the way he viewed others. That is the
way we viewed him too. His life was truly touched by the hand of the
Master. He lived his life in the most Christlike way I can conceive.
Many lives were touched by the Master's hand through my dad. More than
once I was the violin, and he the grey haired man, and by his touch, I
felt like I became what I could be. His faith and touch changed me,
because it was, I knew, a reflection of the faith and touch of the Great
Master. My dad taught me one thing, that I must hold onto my whole
life, by which I must live, above all else:
The worth of a soul and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the Master's hand.
I'm so sorry it's been so long, and my post two posts ago was so ambiguous that nobody really knew what was going on. I don't always process things well by talking about them except one-on-one. I am quite a bit of an introvert, but I wanted to share my feelings, but hadn't processed them yet.
I was in a relationship this Summer. It was one of the most comfortable experiences I've had. Things very much clicked with this girl. Our intellectual interests were similar. We were both super-devoted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She was a return missionary, so was I. We had similar feelings about what that meant. We loved to cook together, go to the temple together, and she let me read to her. I became very emotionally attached very fast.
We both cared a lot about whether or not the relationship felt right, though. For members of the Church, that often includes fasting and praying, asking God whether or not He wants you to do something. I feel that I have received answers in my heart using this method. I have felt peace, which I have interpreted as a "move forward" and a lack of peace, a misgiving, something hard to describe, which I have interpreted as a "stop." We clicked on so many levels, which, for those that know me, is something that I feel is hard for me. I feel like I am a very odd person, which I enjoy, but which means that I have trouble finding someone who matches my oddness. I finally felt like I found someone to match me. Nevertheless, both of us felt like the relationship wasn't right. So we chose to follow that feeling and stop developing our relationship.
It was what we felt was right. It wasn't what I wanted to do. It wasn't what was in my best interest, at the time, but I was trying, and am trying, to do what is right.
It wasn't a long relationship, but it was really, really hard for me to let go. I honestly am not sure that I have totally let go yet. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm in a much better place, emotionally. I feel like I can continue forward with other relationships, but it may still be hard. I still have a hard time cooking homemade meals without thinking of that relationship. Or doing several of the things we did, or baking bread, without thinking about it, and that's hard, but that's life. But I am ready to try to move on, emotionally.
Dear reader, please be gentle with my feelings. I don't share this often, but I wanted to be open with my Chain. "I wear the chain I forged in life." This is what is going on in my life. Other things, of course, but this is a big part of it that I wanted to share.
I promise that I really had every intention to post something every week...that didn't work out so well this last month...
So here we are in November. The leaves have changed colors, Halloween passed, and changes are happening all around. New things in my life aren't many... :
I finished and turned in all of my secondary medical school applications and am just waiting now...again.
I started swimming most mornings for exercise since I partially tore my posterior tibialis tendon and can't really run right now.
I am presenting a part of the Endowment in the temple that I haven't before.
I am doing a LOT of work with my elders quorum.
And I sang in a temple choir devotional.
Okay, singing here was pretty cool...
That pretty much covers my life the last several weeks. It's been super busy, and I'm frankly exhausted. But all is well. Interspersed in these things have been a number of wonderful experiences that I've loved. I've given several blessings that have been amazing experiences. I've been able to reread several of The Chronicles of Narnia. I listened to The Eye of the World on audiobook. I have also had some wonderful experiences with friends and family.
All in all, I've just been super busy. Nothing really new and exciting, to me, but great :)
Sometimes the future is cloudy. I have great faith that things will work out in the end, but sometimes that doesn't make decisions easier. My whole life has been an unending chain of choices where I knew what was right to do, but I was absolutely terrified. I'm exhausted by it, but I muddle on. One of my favorite movies, though it received little critical acclaim, said it wonderfully:
"Well this is what it looks like when you've actually fought in
battle. It's not glorious, it's not beautiful - it's not even heroic!
It's merely doing what's right! And doing it again, and again, until
someday you look like this." --Guardians of Ga'hoole
Doing what is right doesn't necessarily leave you without scars. Doing what's right doesn't necessarily leave your heart intact. Doing what's right doesn't necessarily bring you fame, fortune, or immediate happiness, but it brings you peace. This life is a battle. Decisions must be made. We are the soldiers in that battle. We must make those decisions. There are right and good decisions to be made. Not every decision is clear cut with a right answer, but many are.
"Do what is right, let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
and with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!" -- Hymns 237
This is a hymn of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in these words. I am not perfect, but I really, really am trying to do what is right. I will tell you without hesitation that my life has not been easy in many respects. It has not always been fair, calm, happy, or enjoyable; but by striving to do what is right I have had peace of mind and heart, even when that mind has been torn by stress and that heart has been broken by grief. Peace has overcome me in the fire of affliction and the heartaches of my life.
"Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
Blessings await you in doing what's right!" -- Hymns 237
On my path of life, and as recently as last night, my eyes have been wet with decisions that hurt me to my very core and that I knew were right. I know from very personal experience that blessings await us in doing what is right. Sometimes those blessings come immediately. Sometimes they don't come for a long time. There will be some blessings that may not come until heaven. No matter. God has a promise:
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" -- Revelation 21:4
I trust in that promise. I have not been perfect, but I am really, really trying to do what is right! It hurts, but it is a refining pain. It tears you apart to make you into something good. Do what is right!
Before I launch into this post, I want it absolutely clear that these are my personal beliefs. I represent nobody but myself. I wish that wasn't true, but it is.
Very recently, Emma Watson (you know, Hermione from Harry Potter) delivered a fabulous speech to UNWomen. That speech in its entirety is in the video above. This speech resonated with me in so many ways that it's difficult for me to describe.
I am what Ms. Watson called an "inadvertent feminist." Let me tell you why.
I grew up in a wonderful home with four older sisters and a wonderful mom and dad. My dad, for work, was often away from home. As a result, my standard was always women. My mom and four sisters are incredible. I admire them more than I think I've ever told them. My mom is currently getting her second masters degree. My oldest sister is a physician. My second oldest sister has a Ph.D. My third oldest is a J.D. My final has a masters degree. My dad long ago set the stage for all of us with his advanced degrees as well. I believe, with my whole heart, that there is nothing that these five women can't do. They raised me. They have each excelled both at home and in their chosen fields. They are in so many ways my heroes.
As a result, I have always felt more comfortable around women. The amount of my close female friends has always been quite a bit higher than the amount of my close male friends. That's always been the case. I believe that they can do anything. They have been presidents of clubs, senior classes, and done incredible things politically, academically, in research, at home, and in my life. I am immensely grateful for the women in my life.
My dad and the few men that have been my close friends have been equally as valuable to me. I don't downplay them at all. My dad has been my best friend and confidant in so many instances. My one or two guy friends have really meant the world to me by accepting all my weirdness for who I am. Their story will be told another time. I will return to the women for now.
I have taken many traits from the women in my life. I like to listen. I like to knit. I bake (only recently). I love to cook. I like dancing. I like sewing. I like hearing all about bad relationships and helping people through hard times. I like crafting, and origami and scrapbooking. I was labelled as the "mom" as an RA last year (you can read more about that in the post labelled "My Kids." There are parts of these aspects of my identity that I have kept hidden from most people. Why? Because they are the parts of me that are both the closest to my heart, and the least like the commonly accepted gender stereotype of a man.
Why do I like the He for She movement? Because it focuses on the fact that both genders suffer from gender stereotypes and both need to end. Because there is a girl that is carrying her bed around campus because she and two other girls testified against a young man on a college campus who purportedly committed acts of sexual violence against all three of them and the school board still found him not guilty. Because one in six girls will be sexually assaulted. Because I know several girls who have been. Because I know that one in 33 guys will be as well. Because the help to the guys is even less than it is for the girls because they don't know where to turn or how to say that they were raped. Because campus and city resources are underutilized. Because very few people know I knit. Because I claim the parts of my identity that are traditionally female roles as much as the ones that are traditionally male ones. Because I believe in equality in the workplace. Because there is not, nor should there ever be, a behavior, hairstyle, outfit, or crime in the United States that is punishable by rape. Nobody "deserves" or "asks for" rape. We don't punish people with that here. Because I like hiking, running, exercising, Tae-Kwan-Do, Aikido, and shooting as much as I like cooking, crafting, and nurturing. Because my sisters all like combinations of those things as well. Because the greatest thing that I hope to accomplish in life is to be a good husband and father. Because the greatest thing I hope to find is a good wife and mother.
I haven't explored everything in this movement, and I don't endorse it without some reservations, but change needs to happen. Where we are is not okay. If this is the best we have right now, then great. I hope to see more talk about this.
If you are struggling with your identity, seek help. If you have been assaulted or raped, please reach out. Go to a counselor. You are valuable. You are worth it. I believe that.
If I can help, please let me know. I am writing this to start conversations. I am writing this to say that I know resources and I'll walk you there if I have to. There is healing and hope. Go to professional counseling. See your ecclesiastical leaders. If anyone tells you you are worthless or to blame, they are wrong.
Man, woman, boy, girl, adult, or child. If something has happened and you need help, please, get help. Today, I am one "him" for "her". I support, in my own way, He for She.
This post will be a bit more of a religious nature, so if that's not appealing to you, just wait for a future post :).
Today's title is taken from a song by Christina Perri (I know, I should really branch out more...but this is really good!). Below is a video and lyrics:
I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say
Hold on, hold on
I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling
I believe that you fell so you would land next to me
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
Hold on, hold on
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
Although I'm sure Christina Perri didn't intend for it to be that way, I feel like this is a wonderful description of my relationship with God.
I believe that God will guide me one step at a time. I believe that He does this so that I don't lose my way trying to get to a far off vision through complex terrain.
I believe that we are more than the opinions of others. I believe that the only opinion that truly matters is His.
I know that we are more than the sum of our mistakes. I believe in repentance and that it is real. We are more than our past.
I believe in a lot of far off hopes and dreams that sometimes I am afraid to say. Like Abraham, who, "when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went", I trust that I will be led to the things of which I am almost afraid to speak.
I believe I need to hold on.
From a great talk by Elder Holland
I believe in "lost" possibilities that are hard to see sometimes. I believe that all things can be turned for our good in time.
I believe that there is great darkness in the world, but also great light, hope, peace, and joy to be found. The darkness can guide us to that light by recognizing the darkness and turning away from it.
I know that my heart is still growing and changing. There is much to grow and do still. I believe that I can become better through the atonement with every beat.
I believe that we fell from the presence of God for a purpose and that we can, in time, get back to Him. He did not cast us out without providing a way back. We fell so we could land, in time, next to Christ in Glory and Power.
I believe He has been where we are before. I believe He has felt every pain, possibly the worst being losing who you truly are. I believe that He felt every pain and suffered death for us, and that He rose again from the dead and is still alive.
I believe that through Him, tomorrow can be, through repentance, stronger than yesterday.
I believe that the only great thing in our way is our head and pride. I believe that we can come to God "with full purpose of heart, and [He] will heall [us]."
I believe that, through the Atonement of Christ, our scars can turn into beauty. I believe we can be healed.
I believe that healing takes time and that, sometimes, it's okay to be not okay. I believe that God works with you, especially in those moments when we are most hurt.
I believe that each time we turn to God is not the end of us, but the beginning. It is the beginning of being who we were meant to be. It is the beginning of hope and light and peace. Hold on. He is still alive.
Why thank you, Scholar Bunny, I thought so too.
I have a great deal of faith. There is a lot that I don't understand, and a lot that I don't know, but I believe. And that is enough. I want to be believing. I want to be child-like and simple in my faith.
So let me round out a few things more that I believe.
I believe in a God. I believe that He is a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I believe in "Christ Jesus." I believe that He is literally the Son of the Eternal God. I believe that He suffered the pains of life, death, and hell to bring us to God. I believe that He lives and has us ever present.
I believe in modern day apostles and prophets, beginning, but not ending with, Joseph Smith, Jr.
I believe in and have seen miracles, both great and small, in my life and the lives of those around me.
I believe with my whole heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one True and Living Church of God on the earth today.
I wanted to say, in the most straightforward language that I could muster, I believe. Even when I have felt like I have been at the bottom of the pit, walking through the very valley of the shadow of death in my life, I have believed. I always will.
This is who I am.
If you want to know more, please visit Mormon.org. You can start with my profile there by clicking on the "about my faith" link on the right side of this page. :)
So I'm trying really hard to come up with a good personal essay for medical school. I have decided to share with you, the world, all of my work. None of these, unfortunately, made the cut. Some I wrote seriously, others I wrote to try to relieve my stress. I will start with several starts to this year's essay that I won't use, at least not verbatim, and then I will put, at the end, the personal essay from last year that I am no longer using.
So it begins
Millions lay on the ground...dead. If only a physician had found the cure to the zombie apocalypse before it was...too late. I will be that physician. Let me in. It is your only hope. All of your medical knowledge will amount to naught without my degree. You caused this. You started it, but I will finish it. I am...Zarathustra...
My mustache will cure cancer.
One of my youngest memories was my grandma dying of kidney failure. She received the best treatment possible, but she was over eighty years old and a poor candidate for a donor. Her health deteriorated until treatment became too tiring and painful. She decided to stop treatment and enter hospice care. She died just a few weeks later. I remember getting the call while I was playing at a friend's house. That was the first major tragedy I remember in my life...
Why do I want to go to medical school? I have had this dream. I want to gain a medical degree. I want to be able to become really good at what I do. I want to really be able to help people. And then I really just want to walk into any room anywhere and be able to say, "Hello, I'm the doctor."
Just "the doctor"...
*To be read in that deep radio announcer's voice* In a world of fear, a world of disease, a world where millions upon billions of organisms main goal is to kill every human life, a world without hope, without healing, there is one man. The Physician. He stands between the living and the dead. He alone can prevent the oncoming storm...
This is the oncoming storm!
And finally, below is last year's full essay:
I believe in hope, and it is the primary reason that I want to practice
medicine. Hope defies what is impossible. Things happen or they do not,
but hope believes firmly in something that is not yet. I want to bring
hope to those who are without it. I do not know yet whether that hope
will be in a cancer patient, hoping for remission; a parent, hoping for
an effective vaccine; a mother, hoping for a healthy child; someone who
has fallen, hoping to walk again; or simply someone sick, hoping to feel
well. I do know, however, that in practicing medicine I can bring hope.
I have known that it is the field that I have wanted to enter into for
many years. I know that my capabilities are only human, but there is
great hope in that statement, as well. It was only a human that
discovered the vaccine to small pox, saving millions upon millions of
lives. It was only a human that developed the arterial bypass surgery
that continues to save lives to this day. I have hope in what only
humans can do. To give hope, to preserve hope, and to seek hope is at
the heart of medicine. All who go to a physician do so in hope. More
hope is found in a doctor's office or a hospital than anywhere on earth.
Physicians are the guardians of hope. One must not give false hope, but
one must always consider hope in the impossible.
I spent two
years in Mexico City, spending a great deal of my time providing support
to members of my peer group who needed medical care. I tried to support
them as best I could as they got knee surgeries, back surgeries, and
underwent many tests that determined what was causing them pain. I saw
them able to return to what they loved to do because of the hope and
care provided to them. I remember specifically spending time with one of
my friends who had severe leg pain as he received different tests to
determine the cause of his problems. I watched as he received treatments
to try to manage and correct his symptoms. I saw the hope that grew in
him as his pain faded away in response to the treatments. Although I
felt like medicine was the field for me before this, my love of it began
to solidify at that time. When I returned, I used the medical Spanish
that I had learned to help others receive proper care by interpreting at
the University of Utah Hospital and the Maliheh Free Clinic. I became a
part of the team that provided hope in a small way as I served there. I
recognized the hope that both the physicians here in the United States
and I provided as being the same as the hope that I saw in Mexico.
Furthermore, the many hours talking with patients about the care they
were receiving and with the physicians about the care they were
providing made me certain that medicine was the field for me.
I
believe that the impossible has produced some of the most beautiful,
wonderful things. The earth is impossible. It is a planet hung perfectly
with others, pulled and pushed in just the right orbit that prevents us
from frying or freezing. Life thrives on this impossible planet. Life
is impossible. A collection of amino acids, minerals, and chemicals,
produce thought, love, and life. It is precisely that which is
impossible that is worth protecting. In 1600 if someone were to propose
that almost all illness was caused by microscopic life forms and
sub-microscopic bits of code, we would have thought them crazy. Such an
idea was impossible. That we would one day be able to fight these tiny
invaders would be completely mad. That which is impossible, however, is
now a reality. Fifty years ago if someone were to say that mechanical
robots would be used in surgery, that machines would aid
anesthesiologists, that controlled chemical structures could deliver
drugs to specific cells, we all would have thought it impossible. But
the impossible has happened and is now becoming commonplace. We must
always nurture a hope in the impossible. I want to be a part of that
nurturing. I am committed to providing the hope that only a physician
can. I know it will be a very hard path, but it is the impossible that
is always worth the fight.
I decided that I wanted you to read some of my old creative writing that I rather liked. Today you get a very old piece of prose that I posted on Facebook forever and a day ago, it seems. I still rather like it, though I would probably change some wording now...But I thought I would reproduce it here, just as I posted it. Enjoy! Be kind :)
I don't write many notes...but I have something to say...
Live.
Life
is a gift. It is hard, painful, sorrowful, long, arduous, distressing,
tiring, and so many other bad things. But life is also wonderful.
Every day, no matter how much pain or sorrow there is, no matter how
tired you may be, is another day to sing, to dance, to love.
Each of you has a part of the Divine in you...part of a Divine
Potential. You are full of possibilities. Every day is a reflection of
how much you have applied your true self to it.
All
those crappy days. Why were they crappy? When was the last time you
just had fun in math class? Science? Art? Have the grades become more
important than what you love? Do you hate subjects because you don't
get them the first time 'round? Or do you find things that you don't
understand to be an opportunity? A chance to grow? When was the last
time you decided to explore something just because it's interesting?
Because you were curious?
When you look at the night sky, do you comment on how bright it is? On how smoggy it is?
When
was the last time you just looked at the stars? When was the last time
you swam through that starry space in the deepest realms of your own
imagination?
Met with Orion for a game of cards and battled with Scorpio in the depths of space?
When
was the last time you listened to the wind? To the ocean? When did
you last look upon a valley filled with trees or snow and just marveled
at how amazing the world is?
When was the last time that you realized that, for all its power, majesty, and beauty, YOU
are more important than all of the physical universe? That your
potential is greater than a billion billion galaxies? That your power
is greater than a billion billion stars? That a loving God knows who
you, personally, are? That you are NOT lost in this infinite universe?
Revel in the beauty all around you. Enjoy the beauty within you.
When
was the last time you gave somebody a hug just because you appreciated
how much they care for you? When was the last time you told somebody
that you care about them?
Is your imagination stifled by what you
think to be harsh reality? Or do you see life as it could be...as it
should be? Do you see problems in people, or possibilities? Do you see
the dark in them, or can you not because you see how much Light they
have?
The world's screwed up. I know. The question is, do we stand apart? Do we screw ourselves up to match the world? Or do we dream? Imagine? Believe? Do we become what we would like the world to be? Or what the world would like us to be?
What have you done today that shows your Divine Potential?
Have you loved? Have you lifted? Found Light in others? In yourself?
Do
what you love. Love what you do. Life is too short to spend any of it
doing something you don't enjoy. If you don't enjoy what you're doing,
honestly ask yourself if you need to change, if your situation needs to
change, or both.
Sing, dance, love. Become the person you would like to be. Become the person God would have you be.
I
want all of you to live. I love each and every one of you. You've all
been important to me in some way. I have seen so much Light in each
one of you. You are all amazing, wonderful, beautiful people.
Dear world, I'm sorry it's been so long since we last talked! I've missed you! I hope you're well!
Well, now that that's over with, on to the topic of the day. HOUSING!!!
More specifically, the people that I worked with last year. I already wrote a post about My Kids but my description of my housing experience would be hugely incomplete if I didn't talk about my staff. This week people will be moving into housing, so I felt it was time for a mushy post about my amazing staff :).
Thursday, to a residence hall near you.
I only have a few pictures of my entire staff together, but here are the two that I could find:
The Fall 2013 staff
I met these lovely people right when I needed them. They were, in every way, godsends to me. I was healing from some personal things and they helped me heal in more ways than I can say. I had long, late into the night conversations with many of them. Each one of them holds a very dear place in my heart. They all know what each of them means to me, as I wrote them various letters to that effect (PS, I LOVE writing letters). My feelings towards them remains unchanged, except perhaps to deepen.
If they taught me anything, it was how to love unconditionally. Each of them was wholly accepting of me with my flaws and faults. It wasn't because they didn't know me, but because they did, that they cared about me. Many of them opened up to me in turn. I was served and served them in return. I learned about teamwork, conflict resolution, friendships that can last forever, and true love among friends.
The Spring 2014 staff
To say that they changed my life wouldn't even begin to describe the effect they had on me. They, unknown to them, molded me and shaped me into something wonderful. I owe a lot of who I am to these fabulous people.
If any one of them could be picked out, it would be my supervisor. She was incredible. She became my best friend, confidant, counselor, mamma bear, and mentor. I can't speak more highly of her. She is absolutely incredible. It got to the point that we would spend a long time just chatting in our one-on-ones because we liked spending time together chatting. Invariably Macklemore would play off her spotify playlist during our meetings (we wouldn't end them until he came on). I, to this day, can't hear Macklemore without thinking of my incredible friend.
To those working for housing, your staff can be your family. Mine was. I owe so so so much to them. I LOVE YOU ALL! :)
For those of you living in residence halls this year, if your RAs are anything like we were, they'll worry about you constantly, talk about you, and try to make your lives as good as they can be. Be nice to them :) AND DON'T DRINK ON CAMPUS!!!! :)
Specifically, my life :). Basically just the last couple of weeks. Nothing thrilling...except for the memes :). Basically most of this is my life via memes...yup...
First of all, I forgot to post this picture of what I found on the 4th of July...and I can't quite help myself...
Good to see the Doctor came to see my niece in a parade :)
Second is amazing food that I made with a friend...there are no pictures...so you'll just have to imagine the pupusas :).
Quick, easy, and delicious :)
Then, a week ago I visited my fabulous sister and her amazing husband. We had quite the epic time, actually!
We went tandem biking, played soccer, ate food at this fabulous dumpling place, went swimming, camping, hiking twice, rock climbing, had fabulous food at Red Robin, and ended the week with church and fabulous food cooked by my amazing sibling :)
How did I feel at the end of it?
But happy :)
Then this last week I had a small infestation of spiders. How did I handle it?
No, not really, but it almost got to that point...
I stayed up all night with a flashlight and a bottle of Raid Extreme killing them one by one...I have termed it the Great Pioneer Day Massacre. I'm sorry world. I'm not usually violent, even to bugs, arachnids, insects, and "critters" as a friend of mine calls them...but spiders hanging from the ceiling...I panicked...a little...
That night I spent some time with a good old friend from Mexico City. We watched fireworks, had tacos, and saw some of the city. It was good to hear Spanish from Mexico again :).
Tacos :)
Then Saturday I went paintballing with some of the elders from my ward (men 20ish years old from my church group) along with a twelve-year-old son of one of the counselors that we all rather like. No pictures of the group again, but always memes...
Yup...except the wife part...cause I don't have one...
Went to the Bountiful temple.
That's why I practice...
Had meetings like crazy today...
Today, he closed a hero.
The last speaker was my counselor that I just released because he's going to Brazil at the end of his visa because he couldn't find a job in computer science, despite his postdoc...so it goes.
And a wonderful home teaching visit (home teaching is a program where members of the church visit each other to make sure everyone's doing okay). And spent time with family.
I spent the last few days with my ward and another ward at Bear Lake. There were a lot of firsts that I enjoyed.
The first was my first wetsuit :)
You can see every bulge of fat in this thing...
Can I just say that wetsuits are freaking amazing?!? This thing is amazingly buoyant! I can just lay back and float without moving a muscle! It was great!!!
The second was swimming in a big lake. If you've never been to bear lake, it's huge!
Water, water everywhere...
I loved swimming in this lake! I loved the feeling of being completely lost in water, swimming to and from nowhere at all.
I slept in a hammock for the first time not in my house. It was so much fun!
The hammock I used
I made sand angels!
I'm still finding sand in my hair...
This happened after I missed a few hits in volleyball...Sometimes I'm ridiculous. :)
I became much better friends with these fabulous people!
Look at all those attractive people! :)
I sang all the way there and back an eclectic mix of EFY music, pop, and latino music along with listening to general conference talks with some of the most fabulous women I know.
I got candid photos taken of me that I wasn't able to avoid for the first time! :P And also the first time I've put vanilla and cinnamon in my french toast mix!
I don't always use a grill, but when I do, it's almost always to cook french toast.
I got to know some people so much better, I got to do so many fun things, and just had a generally fabulous time. I can say I love love love my ward members so very much! I am so grateful for this trip.
I needed time to recharge and reset. This trip helped me do so immensely :). It gave me strength enough to...
Last week I made a reference to Doctor Who. It's about time I shared some of my feelings about this absolutely incredible television series.
The short version.
Quick summary of Doctor Who: That one on the far right is named The Doctor. That's it, just The Doctor. Not Doctor Smith or Doctor Watson, just The Doctor. He's an alien. His race is called the Time Lords. They live a very, very long time and, when they're about to die, can regenerate. When they regenerate, they gain an entirely new body, new personality, but keep all the memories. Each Time Lord can only regenerate about 13 times in their life before dying. So, all of the people in the following image are The Doctor:
These are all The Doctor
So is this guy:
John Hurt as The Doctor
And this guy, Peter Capaldi, is the latest, but we don't yet have any episodes with him actually in them, except right at the end...
Not sure how I feel about the power pose...
So, clear enough so far? He's a really, really old alien (something like 1300 years old at current), and he changes his face every couple hundred years or so.
So, what's so interesting about that? Well, The Doctor is quite the interesting character. He's brilliant, absolutely brilliant, but also sincerely compassionate, fair, kind, fun, and generally a good person. One character once described him this way:
Powerful, incredible, and wonderful.
And one time, he described himself like this:
The next line is, "that is who I am."
To boot, he is a time traveler. He travels time in a machine called the TARDIS (it stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space) that has taken the form of an old police telephone box. Time travel is complicated, and his adventures are complicated and dangerous and exciting.
Kinda got away from me...
But all of this is not the reason I like Doctor Who. I love it because of what The Doctor stands for. He is a Doctor, after all. He is a living embodiment of trying to heal, of trying to do what is right, to never give up, never give in, never be cowardly, and never stop caring.
--The Doctor
He doesn't travel with a weapon of any kind. The only thing he really carries around? A screwdriver, but a sonic one instead of the normal kind. That actually makes it significantly less intimidating, but remarkably more useful.
Jack Harkness: Who has a sonic screwdriver? The Doctor: I do! Jack: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooh, this could be a little more sonic."? The Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up?
And he doesn't give up on anyone. All life is sacred to him. All things have to die eventually, sure. Death is just a part of life. But all life, wherever possible, should be protected.
He was in a war once, and it changed him a lot. As far as he knows his entire species was likely wiped out, and it was entirely his fault. As a result he's an advocate for peace to a fault. Just because something looks scary doesn't mean it's bad or evil or really scary. It just means it's different. The Doctor is very accepting.
There are many, many lessons from Doctor Who...
Not my list, but a darn good one.
I could rant about it all day. It's not perfect. There are parts that I would skip if I were you. The parallels to life lessons, the gospel (try modeling your life after "the Great Physician" and see if you don't feel a bit like a Doctor), and just good fun are many. This is one of the few shows that I really, sincerely enjoy.
And, let's face it, I really just want to get through medical school, walk up to a patient and say, "Hello, I'm the Doctor."
This post is not my normal silliness. It rambles a bit, but it's about something that I'm very passionate about. It is not a post that makes people feel warm fuzzies usually. It is also about my church. If you choose to skip this one, I will not hold it against you in any way.
This painting...
The name of this post comes from the name of a painting in a Doctor Who episode. The painting isn't really a painting, it's a kind of alien (Time Lord) art that takes an actual moment in time and freezes it exactly as it happened. This is the picture of the protagonist's (The Doctor's) homeworld being lost in the last great battle between his race and another, the Fall of Arcadia. He is left the only member of his species, the last of the Time Lords. There are many things that I love about this episode and this show in general, but allow me to give a brief synopsis of some of the key points of this episode and why I chose to use it as the title of this post:
WARNING, DOCTOR WHO SPOILER ALERT, DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!
The Doctor sealed this war in a time lock, using a great weapon, saving the universe, burning his own species. The war was tearing the universe apart. The Gallifrey High Council receives a message, Arcadia has fallen. The Doctor has stolen a device that will destroy his people and the enemy troops but save the universe. But the device is sentient and leads him on a journey that ends up giving him a different solution.
For those of you unfamiliar with SciFi or Doctor Who the above paragraph probably made no sense at all. No matter, the ending has the moral.
The Doctor is a title, a name chosen with a promise. That promise is to save, to heal, and to give hope. The Doctor does something impossible and incredible because of that promise. He comes up with a plan to save his world. He sends a message that Gallifrey, his homeworld, stands. He ends up saving everything because he stands true to his promise. He can't remember that he didn't destroy them all for very complicated, timey-wimey reasons, but he saved it nonetheless. That's why his name is the Doctor. Healing, hope, no cruelty, no malice, kindness, peace.
The painting is revealed in the end to be called, "Gallifrey Falls No More." Meaning that his plan worked, against all odds.
So why am I so worked up about this? Because the Doctor stood by what he knew was right, even when it seemed like there was no alternative. He took a stand, even when the future was murky (an especially uncomfortable feeling for a time traveler).
This post is a stand. It's a very roundabout way (those who know me know that sometimes I take a long time to get to a point, and sometimes I don't make it very well, but this is who I am :P) of talking about what is going on around me right now.
This post is really about these people.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A "Mormon," as it were. There is a lot of media right now about my church and various social issues. This is my way of saying where I stand right now. I believe that this church is led by Prophets of the Almighty, Living, Loving God. I believe that He guides His church through them. Whatever the issues of the day are, now or in years to come, I will stand by those Prophets, whoever they may be. It will be considered old-fashioned at times. It will be considered brilliant at times. I don't really care. When they say things are changing, I will embrace the change. When they say that things are a certain way, I will stand by them. Why? Because I believe that God will put His church into whatever position He wants it to be at any time. Will they make mistakes? Probably. They are human and fallible, same as all of us, but God will make His way known somehow. I am willing to trust Him and them in patience. Policy may change or it may not. Doctrine that I thought I understood may be shown to be more complicated and I may need to deepen my understanding, or it may stay the same. Whatever the path that this church leads, I will trust these people. Questions should be raised by those who have them, but once a question is raised to those who need to hear it, I will wait patiently for the answer and accept whatever that answer is at that time. If the answer changes later, I will embrace that fully. I believe this is God's work and that, in His own way, He will make things right.
I will love everyone, whatever their decisions may be. That is my task, none other. Those decisions may lead them to disagree with and even leave the church. I will be sorry to see them go, as I know the happiness and joy that is to be found in the Gospel. I choose today to "trust in the Lord with all [my] heart, and lean not unto [mine] own understanding..." That includes His prophets. I sustain, support, and trust them. I lend my voice as one for them.
hmm...
I'm sorry if this means that I sound bigoted, brainwashed, uneducated, misogynistic, patriarchal, evil, hateful, or whatever else you may think. I felt that you, dear reader, should know this about me. I am all in. I made that promise years ago. I will stand by it. I trust that, by so doing, the Kingdom of God, as Gallifrey, will fall no more. I believe that is the only way to ensure that. I may not understand everything. I may not have all the answers. There will be things that trouble me. I will stand by this Kingdom and Church no matter what happens.
Yup
I took a name too, with a promise, years ago. It was His name. As part of that promise it was to trust in God's timing. He is God. He loves us all. He will give us all that will be for our good. I trust His leaders completely.
This painting means, to me, to do what is right, no matter the personal cost. To take a stand and to stick by it, keeping the promises that make you who you are. To stand for something even when nobody else believes it will make a difference.
No More
I'm sorry if this didn't make much sense. Such am I, sometimes. I'm doubly sorry if you took offense to anything I wrote. I don't mean to give it. I just want to be clear that this is where I stand.
To those considering leaving, please stay. Please trust that it will clear up in the end. I don't know how, but I know it will. I need you in this church. Please don't leave.
